2009Aug11 at 0848 (Personal Life, Poetry, To My Love)
Tags: beloved, chest, closest friend, concept, Elven Queen, eternal, expansion, find, gift, growth, hands, heart, I will never..., idea, jump, knowledge, leave, live, longing, love, peace, personal, places, plan, pleasure, promise, promises, Ranger, relationship, remember, rest, seek, sensitive, shy away, sigh, sleep, stupid, tension, today, with you, without you, words
And as I read your words
I feel the expansion in my chest
As my heart attempts to jump out,
To land in your hands
Where it has found peace.
…sigh…
I can’t promise that I’ll always be with you,
Though I will never plan to do so myself.
I can’t promise you anything forever,
Though I’ll not let this day end until we’ve found peace.
I can’t promise you my heart, eternally in your hands,
Though there are no other hands in which it will be.
I can’t promise that I will always remember dates and times,
Though I’ll never forget to be sensitive to our relationship.
You have my heart.
It was given to you.
Resting in both of your hands
is where it has found peace.
You are my Elven Queen.
There will be no other place;
no other place in the world that I could go,
and find the pleasure of our love
without you.
You are my Beloved.
Your hands have been chosen for me
and mine for you;
through tensions and sensitivity
we will always grow.
You are my closest friend.
Please remember me, love.
It’s not as if I have left you
to live somewhere else.
I am here,
apart from you
but I am not “living it up”.
My heart is always longing for you.
I look for you in other people
but they shy away
because my words are too personal.
I look for you in other people
but they say stupid things
because they don’t know me.
Only you;
you,
as a person
(not as a place or an idea or a concept
or anything else),
are the only one that will ever be my home.
That is what I promise you.
Sleep in peace, my dear
Your Ranger,
Kenneth
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2009Aug3 at 0813 (Heart Thoughts, Personal Life, Poetry)
Tags: ambition, broken, crush, dead, desire, dim, flame, hate, heart, Jon Foreman, light, longing, love, mission, pure, remember, wisdom
I’m sitting on my bed
Jon Foreman echoing in my head
Music releases my emotions
And feelings of longing raise me from the dead
My chest splits down the middle, a door is opened
From the whole on its left, the heart there is broken
Its light is dim because it’s far from him
Who loves it as much as his own
That “him” is I
And I think I know that guy–
Who can let ambition run his entire mission
And use others to fuel his desire.
But let the flames grow higher
On all that I aspire
If it lets the heart of my love grow dim.
I will hate it and crush it and have no more of it
And remember our hearts instead
And learn of her feelings and all of their dealings
And seek what she’s thought and all that it’s brought
And keep her heart strong, in my chest, where it belongs.
Oh God, let ambitions be dead.
Oh God, give us pure wisdom instead.
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2009Mar22 at 0301 (Community, Gatherings, Personal Life, Poetry, Thinkables)
Tags: ambition, anger, arms, belief, belligerent, best, care, change, conclusion, confidence, darkness, death, expectations, force, forget, God, growth, heart, help, influence, jealousy, judgment, knowledge, language, leadership, love, meanings, peace, power, pretend, relate, seek, separation, should, silence, submission, talk, Teacher, terrified, The Cause, together, truth, understanding, walk, want, why?, words, world
I get angry when I’m not a part of making the conclusion,
When its given to me
Pasted on
And expected that I will comply
But why?
Do I know them?
Do I care?
I just look at them and stare
Good for you
What you say is true
But don’t flounder it like its your cause
Don’t force me join you
When you don’t know me
When you forget my name
When you…
Why am I so angry?
Why am I so belligerent?
They push beyond what’s given them
To a world beyond
To a world that doesn’t understand them
To a world that speaks another tongue
And I understand them
But I choose not to submit
Who am I to judge what God has given?
Who am I to draw the lines?
They pretend power
They just want to help.
Who am I to believe I know?
Who am I to judge?
So go along with the flow
It’s good, it’s good
You really, truly should
We all want the best
The best for all
So we spread our influence
Our knowledge of what is best for all.
None of us can lead.
Except to death and darkness below
Unless we walk together
Side by side
Each one’s influence ends at the reach of their arms
And only the truth can take it further (through the arms of another, and another, and another)
Live in peace
Destroy ambitions and jealousies,
Seek truth with those around you
Relate to truth through the voices of your neighbors and friends
Move slowly and only in confidence and peace
Understand the meanings of silence
The words of the heart–the words that our own attempt to relate–
I speak these to myself
I can’t press on anyone else
God teach us to walk, to talk and to love in both
I am so terrified of the world around me
How can they care when they do not know
The good hearts that believe they know
That seek to influence, to change, to grow
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2009Feb24 at 0230 (Community, Conversations in my Head, Gatherings, Heart Thoughts, Personal Life, Poetry, Thinkables)
Tags: arms, battles, bind, blind, blood, called, ceiling, chaos, claim, clean, command, damp, darkness, desire, die, dirty, distinguish, domination, doom, dry, evil, face, feelings, fighting, flatter, flesh, floor, food, free, freedom, gavel, God, hands, hear, heart, hell, hold, honest, humiliation, ignorance, judgment, kitchen, lies, lives, Lord?, man, master, matter, name, one another, others, pan, passion, past, peace, pitiful, plea, please, pleasure, point, pot, pressure, pride, prize, race, reach, refuse, relate, relationship, rest, return, save, sea, shame, sight, sky, sounds, speak, sweat, terrified, thought, throat, truth, understanding, validate, wait, walls, waste, weight, what?, where?, why?, willingness, win, words, yell
Chaos swirling rapidly around
So many lives, so many sounds
The kitchen’s dirty, dark and damp
The master’s calling for food
But I can’t see.
I could.
I used to distinguish from pot and pan;
The dirty and clean;
The ceiling and floor.
But not any more.
Now I feel,
I feel for real.
I see there are so many lies.
Now I see,
I see the sea.
And my hands reach up for the skies.
Freedom, freedom calls my name
The truth will set you free.
Bind the evil,
Kick it out!
And then please hear my plea
And then please speak with me.
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -
Peace, peace, peace, be still
The words come from a dry, croaking throat
Evil has won
But your saving us, son
Live in hell so that we may die
In our pitiful, passionate pleasures
I’m fighting, yes! But what for?!
I’m living, yes! But what for?!
But what for?! But. What. For?!
And why?
…It doesn’t matter now, it seems
The passing has already come
I’m truly flattered now, it seems
…no!
I refuse.
I will not hold up your face any more
I will not validate your lies.
You are just a man like me…
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -
I have been humiliated
Entirely so
And yes, I feel it too,
The pressure to race, to win, to hold
From others as well as my own.
But when: to rest, to wait, to hold
One another instead of a prize,
In honest, willing thoughtfulness
Not dominant, prurient pride.
Where is the peace, my Lord?
Where is the desire to understand?
Where is the ignorance slight,
And thoughtfulness true?
Where are the battles finally won?
In your arms I’ll rest, my Lord
But to return to the darkness?
Truly Lord, what lies in the wastes?
The flesh and blood, claimed by One
Who dooms to ignorant fate.
And the hearts of some, claimed by One
Who choose to wait and relate.
Still, the darkness weighs heavily
The master’s voice yells again
But only so long as to give commands
And next the judge comes in.
The master points,
I feel ashamed
Then terrified as the gavel is raised
Over his head,
It weighs so much
He sweats but his eyes are blind
Then he lets it fall onto my chest
And my doomed life spatters
Over them and the walls
And finally, I am at rest.
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2009Jan14 at 0121 (Heart's Land, Personal Life)
Tags: arms, confidence, contemplation, daily, grace, heart, peace, pure, queen, relax, rest, sacred, security, surroundings, truth, understanding, willingness, wisdom
Contemplation. I seek to do it in a place without change, in a place held sacred; where I can leave my immediate surroundings and trust the security they have always offered; where I can relax completely, to dwell on the truth and come to an understanding in the abundance of peace.
Her arms are sacred, constant and strong. Her peaceful heart is true and pure. Her willing wisdom leads me to confidence in truth and grace. In her arms I will find rest and contemplate each day.
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2009Jan5 at 0134 (Community, Conversations in my Head, Heart Thoughts, Personal Life, Statements, Thinkables)
Tags: ask, atrocity, authority, bitterness, circumstances, community, desire, enemy, expression, freedom, glory, heart, Hitler, illusion, knowledge, love, neighbor, Operation Valkyrie, peace, potential, seeking, shadow, spirit, terrified, trust, truth, tyrant, vision, want
I saw a story of the Operation Valkyrie today, which attempted to assassinate the most infamous tyrant of our time and establish another rule. The following were my thoughts afterward:
“As much as we can blame, and choose to blame on Hitler and the like, the spirit which drove him through his atrocities still lives in many of us today. We have only found different ways of expressing it: the want. We all have want, and we’ll do what we must to acquire it.
Hitler was only raised under different circumstances with a bigger vision and illusion for his desire…”
Realizing I was terrified of the possibilities this could hold–within myself and within those who I will be associated with in the future–I concluded with a plan:
“I will love my neighbor and give them peace and give them freedom. I will give them truth, but only to those who are seeking; only to those who ask. And for those who do not, for those who proclaim in their heart that they are an enemy of mine and the God that I know and love, I will give them also to that highest authority and trust Him in all things–even though this land of shadow end in bitterness, as it surely will. All glory is God’s alone.”
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2009Jan5 at 0102 (Conversations in my Head, Poetry, Theology?, Thinkables)
Tags: decisions, fate, grace, heart, judgment, peace, power, where?
By men, general peace can be kept in every place,
And God will judge with his own grace.
And I haven’t the power to decide,
Where the fate of any man’s heart will reside.
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2009Jan5 at 0139 (Heart Thoughts, Personal Life, Poetry)
Tags: calm, child, desire, desperate, dramatic, eyes, fear, fright, heart, love, quiet, search, tender, thirst, unsatisfied, weaned
A child beats the breast of the one who bore him
Desperate for more; unsatisfied; thirsty; fearful that there will not be enough; that he has not enough.
Searching, searching, frightfully, dramatically, pushing all others away,
In isolation, searching, clenching, squeezing for more.
Unaware of the tender presence,
Unconscious to the loving eyes.
“O Lord, my heart is not haughty,
Nor my eyes lofty.
Neither do I concern myself with great matters,
Nor with things too profound for me.
Surely, I have calmed and quieted my soul.
Like a weaned child with his mother;
Like a weaned child is my soul within me.”
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2008Dec2 at 1237 (Heart Thoughts)
Tags: birth, darkness, emptiness, eyes, fulfillment, have, heart, honest, joy, love, power, pure, sacrifice, thought, truth, want, words
The breed of thought that continues to reappear
Begins with the expression “I want”
It feels dark
And is spoken with downcast eyes,
Unless there is an audience–then there is great show and gusto applied
But my heart is still dark
And those words are still empty.
Then a truth so obvious and pure and raw is spoken
And it begins with the expression “I have”.
It is as powerful and fulfilling as it is honest and true.
And expressed with open, willing sacrifice; joy may give birth in the heart of love.
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2008Nov15 at 1146 (Personal Life, Thinkables)
Tags: absolute, anticipation, come, confession, confidence, death, endurance, eternal, faith, glory, God, heart, honor, knowledge, lasting, life, promise, restlessness, savior, search, trust, truth, value, will of God
All my young life I’ve been searching for something. Consistently unsatisfied with the things I approach; with the direction they are going–they never last; they never have absolute value; they never have true honor; they never have lasting glory; they always die.
I want to be in something eternal, but I don’t trust it. So I hold on… to save myself.
“Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise:
‘For yet a little while,
And he who is coming will come and not tarry.
Now the just shall live by faith;
But if anyone draws back,
My soul has no pleasure in him.’ ” -to the Hebrews
The cure of this restless heart lies in the confidence of it’s confession.
Do I trust this God? I do not understand Him, how can I endure His will?
Do I believe the words of His son? Do I know Him?
I must.
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